February 3, 2011 was a dark day. I was so dreary that I wrote this letter trying to describe how I felt. I was hoping that this letter would bring a solution, kind of like therapy. No word on how that turned out...
"All I've ever wanted is to be something more than I am now. I am a lazy scumbag, like a leech, sucking my way through life. Some easy way, I've had to beg, lie, and steal to get to it. I perservere and I am determined only when I'm quitting (if that makes sense). I hate and love myself so much that there is no remorse for me. There's a battle inside my head.
I'm so happy somedays, yet the hippie rainbows and sunny days soon fade and then comes the vicious somedays, where there is just rain. Sometimes, there is a peek of the sun, but really the sun is only a tease, the clouds soon hide the sun and again the rain continues to fall and the dark clouds hover. The rain can't turn into or be part of severe thunderstorm because I just so happen to love severe weather and it can't clear up and turn into a sunny day, because I also love sunny, hippie days, where life is good and all is well with the world. It has to be right in the middle, it has to be rain, something that I don't understand and I don't know how to fix. Because I'm a all or nothing, black or white girl. I don't do the middle. I'm never lukewarm. I don't do this "rain."
Since I don't know what I can't understand then how will I ever fix me? I remember hearing someone drawing a picture of someone with dark angels and hell surrounding them and calling that person "tormented." And I knew at that moment that word described me to a tee. If you should look up "tormented" in the dictionary, right there, my name and picture should be right beside it. But doesn't it describe us all?
-KO
