Goodbye

So far, 2013 has been really rough! On the first day of this year, I lost my job. I've been searching for jobs since, but to no avail because apparently no one is hiring these days!?! In March, I lost power to my apartment, but still lived there because I had no where else to go. I just bought a LED flashlight and tried to make my way through the dark of night and the darkest time(s) of my life. But mostly, I stayed awake thinking of what to do next.

Yesterday, I ended up having to move out of my apartment and in record time, less than 12 hours! I had to move and pack almost everything by myself. No one really showed up to help except for my parents and a friend. By this, I found out really that I know who your real friends are, I think... Not even my sister showed up. I'm still pretty mad about that. It's going to be awhile before I can forgive her. But she's always been pretty selfish, but that's another story for later...

I'm really sad about the move. I've left a lot of things behind. Many pieces of furniture, my kitchen stuff, my good credit, and my heart. I'm pretty devastated, now I have to move in with my parents for a while, just to get back on my feet. Somehow, I'm going to have to try to pick up the pieces, but I'm hesitant and frustrated. Even if I have nothing, I'm used to being independent and I'm used to taking care of myself and not having to rely on other people. Now, I have to be here again.

My once treasured independence is gone. My mom likes to refer to my new move/life crisis as a fresh start, but the only title I can come up with is "depression." I'm definitely not excited about moving back in with my parents. Specifically because my mother is really controlling and manipulative. I'd honestly rather live in my car, and I probably will at least 2x a week when I get my car moving again. But I guess it's a good start for now. *Lying to myself*

Hopefully the next time that I talk to you things would have gotten better. Fingers crossed. I do have a job that I'm currently interested in. The application procedure is long but it's a really fulfilling job. I applied to it last week and am praying that I get it. This would mean I could move away from this awful place and pretty much really start over, my kind of way. But I should know about it by the end of April, hopefully. But my biggest problem about the job is that it starts in August. And I need it to start by the second week of May. So if I get it, I might ask to start early, so that's another thing to pray about. If not, I'll have to pray (again) that God can help me to last until August. I just don't think that I could last in my state or at my parent's too long. I just have to get away from this fucking place!

Whatever, all I can do these days is pray. Thankfully, it's free.


Thanks for listening. XOXO
-KO

 

Alcoholics Guide To Dating

I am thinking about adopting a plant and a pet. I think my roommate wants a dog, but I know that I am not exactly ready for a dog yet, even though that pains me to say. I’ve always wanted a dog. Having a dog is like a dream of mine, but for now, I’ll settle for a cat. Not that I don't appreciate cats, because I love them too, and I need a pet that is independent because of my busy schedule.

There are several reasons that I think are good reasons why I want a pet, no matter what anyone else says. I am looking for an animal companion. Even though my family and friends are around me, and I love them to death, I want to pour my love into something other than a human. I know that it sounds strange, but I need a break from the everyday stress and drama.

For some time, I have been following the alcoholics guide to dating. So here is the plan: After rehab (or whatever recovering situation), buy a plant and if you can keep it alive for one year, then adopt-a-pet and commit to keep it safe, happy, alive and well (and not dump it off at a shelter) for at least two years, or you can do both at the same time, then if everything is alive and well after two years, it’s ok to date again. I have attempted to follow this plan two to three times already, and it have fell through for different reasons. But this time, I am hoping to be able to commit to it successfully. Anyways, I hope to start the plan in early-to-mid June. Hopefully, we’ll see.

-KO

Better Days Ahead

I did it! So far, I've completed 75% of the journey! I finally came out of the closet to all of my siblings. They were all pretty supportive. Some more than others. 3 of them were awesome and totally supportive. But the eldest seemed kind of ok, but not ok with it. My younger sister, Trice, is the youngest and the sister I'm closest to, she has known (that I'm bi) for a long time, and from what I could tell she was fine with it. And although I always noticed certain signs that she had some problems with it, I just thought they were little issues. Of course, I am not asking everyone to just accept it, and I understand some people need time, but she said she was fine with it. So when I told her I was coming out to the rest of the sibs, she said she was going to have my back and offer total support, but she didn't. She kind of make it about her and she started to act like she couldn't be in my corner. So there I was, sad because I really had no one else at that moment, so although it was rewarding in the end, it was also kind of sad. But I have to learn to not rely on her for certain things. I think I need to make new friends who are more accepting and caring about where I'm coming from, because this is not an easy process for me to go through. It's really not.

-KO

Just Perfect

Yesterday night, I decided to master the (cheese) omelette. For the first time in forever, I actually was patient with the omelette, and it turned out fantastic. Crispy brown, oozing of cheese, it could make any non-cheese omelette believer, believe in the cheese omelette again. I wish I had a picture to describe how I looked. But like John Mayer says in "3x5", "Didn't have a camera by my side this time, hoping I would see the world through both my eyes..." But just change out "the world" and put in "this awesome creation of food!" Lol. I'll stop bragging now. I think that with this latest boost of self confidence, I am going to be more inclined to show pictures of my food. -KO

"Tormented"

February 3, 2011 was a dark day. I was so dreary that I wrote this letter trying to describe how I felt. I was hoping that this letter would bring a solution, kind of like therapy. No word on how that turned out...

"All I've ever wanted is to be something more than I am now. I am a lazy scumbag, like a leech, sucking my way through life. Some easy way, I've had to beg, lie, and steal to get to it. I perservere and I am determined only when I'm quitting (if that makes sense). I hate and love myself so much that there is no remorse for me. There's a battle inside my head.

I'm so happy somedays, yet the hippie rainbows and sunny days soon fade and then comes the vicious somedays, where there is just rain. Sometimes, there is a peek of the sun, but really the sun is only a tease, the clouds soon hide the sun and again the rain continues to fall and the dark clouds hover. The rain can't turn into or be part of severe thunderstorm because I just so happen to love severe weather and it can't clear up and turn into a sunny day, because I also love sunny, hippie days, where life is good and all is well with the world. It has to be right in the middle, it has to be rain, something that I don't understand and I don't know how to fix. Because I'm a all or nothing, black or white girl. I don't do the middle. I'm never lukewarm. I don't do this "rain."

Since I don't know what I can't understand then how will I ever fix me? I remember hearing someone drawing a picture of someone with dark angels and hell surrounding them and calling that person "tormented." And I knew at that moment that word described me to a tee. If you should look up "tormented" in the dictionary, right there, my name and picture should be right beside it. But doesn't it describe us all?

-KO

Sincerely, Curious

Lately, I've felt so confused about who I am or what I'm doing. I've always thought of myself as straight, but for a while now, I've found myself attracted to a few women. I'm not completely anamoured by all women, just like a few. I wonder if this is normal?

But also I love the lifestyle. I know this sounds ridicuous, but I'm just being honest. I feel like I've never been accepted or never belonged to any type of group, so sometimes I feel that wouldn't it be nice if I could belong, for once? So, is it the love of the lifestyle or am I actually having curious feelings? I can't tell the real from the fake, and I'm starting to obsess over it.

My sister gave me great advice to help me. She said that I shouldn't concentrate on it, and that I should just explore the way I feel and sooner or later, I'll discover my feelings. I'm working on that...

-K

January 7, 2011

P.S. Here are some of my various interests that could turn into topics of future posts:
Music, internet, books, movies, TV, politics, video games, learning about different cultures, geography, travel, family, society, etc.